Dear Death,

There are days when the pain gets so far out of hand that nothing works. No amount of painkillers, no muscle relaxers, no Xanax. Heating pads, ice packs. Even a giant dog snuggled up beside the couch is no comfort.

Those are the days I pray for death.

I used to say those prayers quietly, so they wouldn’t disturb the people who love me. Those people worry the depression will carry me away and I’ll kill myself one day. What they didn’t realize is they are the only reason I’m here.

So now, when the pain becomes echoing screams inside my head, I tell them, “Kill me.”

And they softly answer, “No.”

And I tell them, “You’re being so selfish.”

And they say, “We know.”

And still, I am

Payne.

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4 thoughts on “Dear Death,

  1. longchaps2 says:

    I’ve been there. A place where you can’t see daylight because you feel like hell every day. Keep trying the migraine meds. They each work differently and there are lots of them. I’m on a daily med right now. No I’m not back to the person I was before the migraines, and no I can’t do everything I used to do, but I’m 90 percent pain free. I don’t live in fear of getting hit with a headache so bad I can’t drive home or get myself off the bathroom floor. There IS hope out there. You just have to keep moving forward. I’m proof that you can come out the other side and still have a life, because I didn’t have one either for two years. Two very hellish years. My heart goes out to you. May you find relief soon.

    Like

    • I’m sorry you had to go through migraines for two years; migraines suck whether you have them for one day or for the last 18 years like I have. But mine are degenerative, and permanent. So while I’m not suicidal, I’m also not afraid of death. Death looks like a friend waiting for me.

      Liked by 1 person

    • That’s something we all need to remember. Suicide is never the answer. But if your faith is strong, death isn’t something to be feared, either. Until then, I try to find happiness in every day, in small things, in family, in friends, in the cream horns sitting next to my computer, waiting to be eaten.

      Liked by 1 person

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