Dear Social Security Disability Insurance,

Three years ago, I applied for Social Security Disability, and I was approved on my first try.

Oh Internet God, please smitheth the infidels who mocketh me. Send your lightning bolts to singe the mean girls, the grumpy cats, the trolls, but mostly, oh Internet God, smite the expired promo code, which breaks my heart every time.

A few months ago, I received a letter and a form. It was a standard thing the Social Security Administration (SSA) does, a three-year check up. The form asks if you are better, the same, or worse. Some sort of calculation is done, and SSA decides whether to review your case. If they do, they contact your doctors and determine if you are still eligible for disability.

As a professional writer, I have a thing about the pens I use. I prefer fine-point Sharpies. This was, however, not the appropriate pen to use when filling out this two-sided form. You can imagine the mess this made when I turned the form over and filled out side two. The ink bled through, making side one nearly unreadable.

For such a smart girl, this was a dumb-ass mistake. Obviously, I was a little high on painkillers that day, so I looked at the disaster of that form for quite a while, trying to figure out how to clean up this stupid, stupid mess.

I went to the SSA website to request another form. It’s website is a font of information. There was not a place for Sharpie-pen loving idiots to beg for another form, to search and find such a form, or even to pray to the Internet god for his unlikely assistance. No go.

So I did what any drugged up, half sane disabled person with a form that will determine whether they keep their disability or not would do. I got out the Liquid Paper.

Oh, Liquid Paper tape, you saved my ass on more than one occasion. The copy editor that inhabits my soul won’t let a birthday card leave the house with a misspelling inside. But you, Liquid Paper tape? you make it all better.

Specifically, I got out the Liquid Paper Tape. I basically covered the entire front of the form with the stuff, recreating the questions and boxes as needed with a ball-point pen. (See? I can learn from my mistakes. Now, I mean.)

I figured I get sent another form, told to do it again.

Instead, I received a letter from SSA on Friday saying my case had been rubber stamped as okay for the next three years, no doctor review required.

I’m thinking that marking all the boxes “worse,” and covering the paper with office supplies reinforced that I’m having some serious mental health problems. I’m thinking they really believe I’m in no shape to be sent back out into the work force. Which is patently true.

Folks, do not try this at home; find your own brand of crazy and embrace the fuck out of it.

In the meantime, I remain

Payne.

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2 thoughts on “Dear Social Security Disability Insurance,

  1. longchaps2 says:

    Oh my Gosh, so funny. I’m can totally relate you you not wanting to get stuck in the hell of trying to get another form out of the beauracracy SSD black hole. You might never see daylight on that one. Yay for liquid paper correction tape!

    Liked by 1 person

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