Dear Speak Softly,

I find it funny that a man most oft quoted with an picture accompanied by phallic imagery is also responsible for the Teddy Bear. That’s right. Penis and Build-A-Bear are now forever connected in your mind. Your dirty, dirty mind. Shame on you.

We were in the car, driving home after a good day. As we pulled into the driveway, She Who Must Be Obeyed (SWMBO), commented about the trash that had been picked up from our curb.

SWMBO: Oh, good. They took the big stick.

Me: *snicker*

SWMBO: Yes?

Me: “Speak softly and carry a big stick.”

SWMBO: Speak softly and carry a large aardvark.

Me: How would that even work?

       “I disagree with you, Mr. Roosevelt.”

“No, No! Not the aardvark! I take it back! I take it back!”

Me: Yup. You could win an argument that way.

SWMBO: And that’s why you’d have an aardvark.

I, however, do not plan to adopt an aardvark, even if it means winning all the arguments, all the time. Though as I type that sentence, it is a very, very tempting thought.

So I’m tempted, and still,

Payne.

P.S. When I searched for image of “weaponized aardvarks,” this is what I found. So I guess SWMBO is 100 percent correct, as usual. Don’t argue with the woman. She doesn’t even need an aardvark.

I don’t even want to imagine what they’d do to a porcupine.

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