Dear Tremors,

I’ve had essential tremors, those little uncontrolled twitches in my fingers and hands, for years now. When they first started, the doctors shrugged off my concerns. They said it was just medication interaction and not to worry.

So I didn’t.

I bet the pills for these tremors aren’t covered by my insurance.

About a year ago, they came back with a vengeance, happening more frequency and in bigger spasms. Suddenly, everyone was concerned about it, and I had to get an MRI stat. The scan came back showing I had a normal migraine brain: I had bright spots where the migraine had blown holes in my blood vessels, cysts in my sinuses and another in my brain, but nothing more interesting than that. No one was worried.

But last week, the tremors got worse. My hands and fingers shake and twitch almost constantly. My arms have gotten involved, and my jaw sometimes spasms as well.

When I went to my primary care doctor to discuss the problem, things reached a crescendo. I don’t know if the stress of the office visit made it worse, or if that was just a really bad day, but I was one big twitch.

Everything was trembling: my eyes, my tongue, my arms, hands and fingers, my legs, my ankles … my doctor had trouble doing the neurological exam because I couldn’t make my limbs hold still enough to test reflexes easily.

Last November, I fell while sleep walking and hit my head. It was really bad, and the pain management doctor wanted me to go in for tests. I really hate doctors; I figured I was upright and walking in a straight line, so I was close enough to okay.

But that spot had a huge lump that took ages to subside. The left side of my head stayed numb for weeks. And I still, months later, have a lot of pain from that area. So it’s probably good someone’s finally taking a look at that area.

I also have to get a variety of blood tests and some urinalysis done. They wanted all of it done the next day — Thursday — but I had such a bad migraine, I was down for the count. So now it’s all on for tomorrow, Saturday.

I try not to think too much about what the tremors are, or what they mean. But, with the variety of symptoms, it’s hard to not wonder about Parkinson’s or fibromyalgia. Or did that fall cause some sort of brain injury? It’s too scary to contemplate such possibilities.

So for now, I won’t contemplate. I’ll stick my fingers in my ears and close my eyes.

What I don’t know can’t hurt me, right? Right?

I’ll be sticking my head in the sand, but I’ll still be,

Payne.

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3 thoughts on “Dear Tremors,

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